peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
