So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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