U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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