Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
