I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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