Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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