then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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