Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
