she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize