your parents love me but you hate me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
