I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
