i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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