Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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