I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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