I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
