i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
