I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think your dad took our porno
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
