She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
