You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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