Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
