I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
