I wish I could punch you in the face.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
