it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
