so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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