my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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