Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
