There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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