Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
