I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
