Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
