I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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