i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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