I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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