Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
