the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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