My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
