maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
