i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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