come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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