The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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