When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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