she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
