God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
