Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
