i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
