I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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