you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
