i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
