Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
