It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
