ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How's work?
Spinning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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