final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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