Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
