you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
