I just threw up on my dentist
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sober January is a disaster.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
